In LALA Land

Got to LA yesterday and it's cold!!!!!! It's in the 30's kind of cold; nearly froze to death when I got to LAX. Anyways it was a long day of flying and I only had enough energy to hit up In N Out Burger before passing the fuck out. My internet's fucked so posts will be sporadic at best.

It's Official

Dual status... but with the world image of the States and the fact that my new passport is hooked up with a "integrated chip" I'm not sure if this is a good thing. Oh well at least a black was elected president. 6 days till Cali!

My Attempt At Baking

In a temporary bout of insanity I decided that I would bake some M&M cookies because how hard could baking some cookies could be? Here are the results:
Batch #1

The next 2 batches came out the same way and I thought "huh...." I couldn't find flour so I figured I'd use pancake mix because it's essentially flour right? Yeah not quite and 3 botched batches later I found some flour and instead of make more batter with it, I threw it in with the M&M pankcake mix. So here's what number 4 looked like.

I've learned that you can't substitute pancake mix for flour but they still turned out ok!

12 DAYS TILLS CALI!

In n Out burger; so close yet so far!

Hip Hop Figures 101

Since coming back to Boca I've been learning how to become apart of my family because I failed that test miserably the last time I lived here. That means putting extra effort in the mom department but it's been even harder because she's going through one those "recapturing my youth" phases. She's traded in her designer jeans for Juicy Couture velour track suits, her skirts have become micro minis and all those stilettos are now causal flats. "Casual is how the kids are doing it these days" she says. Instead of hitting up the suburban martini lounges with her friends, she wants to join us kids to go clubbing in Miami Beach. I should clarify that my mom is a hot mom; people think we're sisters everywhere we go. Guys will hit on us as if they've landed the sister duo and even with her sudden change in dress she still kills it. That said she's still my mom and I just can't be her best friend. Now that she's tackled her new fashion sense I guess the next step was the youth interest in the media. I have to make it clear that my mom's not in the know when it comes to celebrities and when watching ANYTHING with her it's constant "who's that?", "where have I seen him/her before" and "I thought he/she was dead" no matter who it is. Not to mention it then leads to a 4 hour lesson on specific said person and EVERYONE they've come in contact with in their lives to which she then says 'OHHHHHH" and forgets everything the moment you're done talking. Today was no different. Of all things that fate had to send her way today of all days was on the most complex subject: hip hop. It all started while we were drinking daiquiri's and watching Kimora:Life in the Fab Lane. After explaining EVERYTHING about Kimora it lead to Russell Simmons which led to explaining RUN DMC, Def Jam and hip hop as a whole. To capsulize a LOOONNNNGGGGG story here's the list of who she thought was dead:





To her if their on cover of a magazine or in the news it means they've been shot. Here's the list of people she thought were alive:

TUPAC!!!!!!!! I know it's not a list but when I googled Tupac and she thought he was alive, it was too much to take; that one alone makes the list long enough. If you're a conspiracy theorist then to you she's right but compare the dead to alive list. I couldn't make this up if I wanted. I love my mom but hip hop, celeb culture altogether actually, just isn't her thing.

Since The Other Kind of Bang Isn't Happening Right Now...

I decided to get bangs

Who Says Models Can't Skateboard?

Nicole Trunfio is one of my fav models and now I find out she can skateboard too! She just went up in my books

It's Been Kinda Suspect In The Dipset Camp Lately...

I love Dipset and no hate or anything but what the fuck has been going on with them lately? First I see the new video for the "Pop Champagne" remix and besides saying some lame ass lines, they're just giving each other a champagne bath.


Then came the "slapping hoes/Freekey Zeke acting a little too freaky with a cracked out looking Busta/who is that random light skinned motherfucker talking shit" video.


Now this fuckery pops up

A Christmas album??!!! Say it ain't so Dipset, say it ain't so!

Straight Disrespect!!!

Yesterday my sister hosted a very important party for a documentary she's been working on and as always I left some part of my outfit to the last minute. I'd had my dress picked out for a while and the color wasn't easiest to match but I thought whatevs I'll find a pair heels no problem. Generally shopping is the thing that brings balance into my life and more specifically shopping for shoes is my mecca. No matter what shit situation comes my way, a shopping trip always does the trick but this was a different story. I hit all usual spots like Saks, Bloomies, BCBG and found nothing so I was starting to freak my shit till I hit Nordstrom's and found "the" pair of shoes. I took a seat while I waited for the sales lady to bring me my new Micheal Kors heels and then shit happened. There I am minding my own business when a random older lady comes to look at some shoes on a display case next to me and out of nowhere she starts backing up and looks at me and says "excuse me". I'm looking back at her just thinking "What the fuck?" but didn't really care since I was about to be 6'1 in a sick pair of heels. Then it hits me. The foulest, nastiest, unbearable, unbelievable, unexplainable stench I've smelled since Maeve stuck her lava shit charred asshole in my face ( a whole other story there). I was beyond overcome with disgust! Bitch dropped a deuce-deuce right there in the designer shoe department of Nordstrom's!! She has the audacity to fart in the presence of Betsey Johnson, Miss Sixty, Moschino and in the name of things holy Dolce & Gabbana!!! I was floored and didn't know what to do but move to another area and realize how classless some people can be. We all fart but c'mon have SOME discreetness when out in public, especially in designer shoe departments!! This ordeal went so beyond myself and I'm not the kind the person that thinks about other people first at all but in that moment I endured for the sake of beautiful shoes. Absolutely classless indeed!

Fun Boyfriend Activty!

Actually I'm not sure if it'd be fun because I've never had a boyfriend but I'll go out on a whim and say that this activity could make or break a relationship. Some fantastic European company has created a condom that measures your true dick size in inches and centimeters or in the metric scale.

The Condometric also comes in flavors like Cherry Rider, Kitana Lima and Papito Banana. MMMMMMMMM sounds delicious! Be sure to click the title post for info on their manifesto and where you can get yourself a box!

Best New Show

With all the young rich kids having their own reality shows lately it was bound to happen that the older ladies would want to step in with their two cents. And so it was on a shitty day of plane delays that I found solace on my 4 hour flight to Palm Beach in the form of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. It's way better then the versions of the gold diggin' wives of Orange County and the whiny Jewish wives of New York because these women actually bring flavor into it. They're bitchier, triller, richer and have wayyyyyy more attitude. I just finished watching the newest episode and all these bitches are just straight crazy! Although Nene's a true psychopath; she's proof of what happens when ghetto marries baller.

Dizzee Racal for Prime Minister

I Guess It'd Look Like This

A couple months ago I read Skinema and I'd recommend it to EVERYONE. If you haven't read it, then get on that now. The jist of it is that Chris Nieratko was suppose to write porn reviews but instead wrote mindless ramblings about his amazingly fucked up life that turned out to be more entertaining then porn anyways at certain points. My favorite story is one in which Nieratko and his friends hire a stripper for a bachelor party or something like that. Anyways the stripper shows up and turns out to be all kinds of cracked out duttiness but she's arrived so what are you gonna do because you still have to pay the bitch. So upon seeing all the narcos around the party she agrees to do tricks in exchange for rocks. Sounds fair and the usual sticking of random ass shit up her twat or ass ensues. To kill the ending for you all her final act is sticking one of the guy's heads up her puss. Now I know that whole can really stretch or else how would you explain childbirth? Either way I found this video, might not be real, that illustrates what this might have looked like. Can't embed it though so click the title post to see what's up. Thoughts???

Another One Bites The Dust

Rudy Ray Moore died a week ago today and if you don't know who he is then you have to cop some of his movies before you die. He was a crazy, politically incorrect, pimping motherfucker who didn't give a fuck! His best movie work was the fly ass pimp character Dolemite. But you might also recognize this mofo from other great works such as Monkey Hustle, Disco Godfather, The Great White Hype, Shaolin Dolemite, Big Money Hu$tla$, Vampire ASSassin and Lil' Pimp just to name a few. I really recommend Lil' Pimp it has everybody from Carmen Electra to Mystikal to William Shatner in that one but see the Dolemite movies first.


Never saw The Human Tornado but I deff back up Dolemite. What I was doing watching it at 10 years old I don't know but it was educational somehow I'm sure of it. Besides acting and producing Moore was also a comedian and musician and made an appearance on Big Daddy Kane's album Taste of Chocolate and did some work with 2 Live Crew. Like always though with all greatness comes a force that shits on it, calls it an artful re-make and tries to charge you 13$ to see it at your local theater. There was suppose to be a re-make of Dolemte starring this guy.

Yeah LL Cool J but they're cutting out the adult nature, the political incorrectness and instead of being a pimp, he's gonna be some random guy who gets framed for crime he didn't do. YAWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The movie keeps getting delayed though so I pray that it never sees the light of day like Belly 2 did. Thank God it was a straight to DVD release.

The Invite

Yesterday Michelle and I established that I have nothing to bring into a relationship and after seeing this amazing wedding invite I really don't give a fuck. With very little effort on my part I'm sure my future rents in law would print something like this up for the wedding anyway.

Always On My Mind

My Bitches

Booze

My Bitches

Fashion

My Bitches

Travel

My Bitches

Cock

My Bitches

Britney's Back Bitches

I admit I doubted her for a minute when she went beyond the title of crazy bitch to just straight fucked up. Remember this?

Yeah that's when I thought it was all over but she cleaned up nicely at the VMA's this year and just cause a fellow crazy bitch goes a bit overboard for while doesn't mean it's right to ditch her from the club. With her stressful career I'd be picking the wrong men, drinking and smoking all day, while dropping my babies on their heads daily too. So let's not judge but forgive because this bitch is back on top and looking better then ever!

Nails Did

Life is bleak. A nice manicure makes things better.

They're my real nails by the way

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

This has to be the best thing I've seen on the news ever!

Poor boy having his mom telling the entire country the grill has to "pass" for him to get back!! This is like grill education for white America and obviously they're trying to take away something else from the black folks because they don't know how to rock it properly. Sigh.

TIMBER!

Some of the models at the Prada Spring 2009 show were either on the floor or barely able to hobble the patterned runway because the shoes were reportedly too sky high.


I'm a heel enthusiast and even i had to step back and say "DAMN!"These girls are already at least 5'10 so they don't need to be rocking 6 inch heels.



I'm 5'10 and I keep my heels to a modest 3.5-4 inches. Okay so that's not modest but like I said I'm a heel enthusiast so I don't think my stature should cut me out of the world of heel lovers. And if anybody asks my reasoning is that I'm a supermodel.

Notorious Teaser

Doesn't look half bad.

On Hiatus

I really got into this blogging thing at one point and was enjoying writing about whatever but things have taken a new direction. First off I'd rejoined the work force and was kick out on my ass just as quickly. Losing a job out of nowhere sucks serious balls but losing a job b/c the boss's niece (who can't do the job for shit) needs a job then that's like being ferociously throat fucked against your will. Just as quickly my body decides to become an incubation of bacteria. Started off as just a sore throat and now I'm full blown fever, muscle aches, stuffed, cough, you get the idea. I haven't left my house in a couple days and I'm going crazy. All this, among other problems, sums up that September hasn't been a good month. Actually it hasn't been a good year in general but that's another story. So sorry to all 2 of you out there but I'm taking a break till I get better. Don't worry I'll most likely be back in a 2 or 3 days but I'm sure you weren't worried. Till then I leave you guys with this.

FOR REALS??!

La Corona

La Corona (The Crown) is documentary about an annual beauty pageant that takes place at a women's prison in Bogota, Columbia. Apparently different cellblocks nominate one woman to represent their block and the lucky nominees practices their walks, beauty skills and overall gracefulness for the competition. Celebrity judges are brought in to judge, gowns and tiara's are donated and it's broadcast on television. DAMNNN! Besides this this though the prison looks hella fun. Their cells, that look more like small hotel rooms, have posters and T.V.'s AND the inmates sit around doing their nails and hair. Did I mention they also get to wear their own clothes? Doesn't sound too bad to me!

"Bottom of the Pussy Hole"

Cam'ron just dropped my new anthem! Click the title post to know what I'm listening to on repeat for the next while. On top of it Killa uses an excerpt from vagina guru Alexyss Tylor's show "Vagina Power". Check out a clip.

Preach on about that penis power! Be sure to google this woman, that's the truth.

Been Gone For A Minute

I've recently rejoined the work force so it's left me with a lot less blogging time but I'm back on my grind and there's lots to be had. I've been searching for some new inspiration and meaning lately so I think I'm gonna take a page from Kanye's guide to life. This should have some gems in it and I'm deff gonna wear my stunner shades while reading it.

Omg Superhead's Retiring!!!

Pass that torch ho!

More Than Just Another Socialite

Genevieve Jones is one of my favorite New York socialites. She always looks put together and relaxed unlike most of her "nose in the air" counter parts. On top of that she's creatively talented in the design department and has come out with a jewelery/handbag line inspired by her travels in Thailand. Here's a peep.


You know where to click to see the rest.

I Hope This Isn't True

Dre's son reportedly died this weekend. Click the title for the story.

Your 5 Year Old Is A Freak

This backs up my desire to NOT have kids.

Oh Hell Naw Bitch!

When I first saw this spread of Mimi in Fashion Rocks magazine, I thought they'd mistaken Mrs.Cannon for porn star Mary Carey until I read the article. Jesus wept because even he didn't recognize her.

Kerry Washington in Giant Magazine

I love her. That's it.

I Wanna Ball with Yao Ming

Me and Michelle wanna play some b-ball with Yao. Is there some kind of a make a wish foundation that doesn't require you to be dying? C'mon check out this clip and try to deny your desire to shoot some hoops with him.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! How are you suppose to block that? You can't!!! He doesn't even have to jump to make a basket, he for sure just has it in his contract somewhere that he has to at least fake jump for the sake of the other players pride. This man's a beast, Shaq couldn't even take him down. Did y'all see that cheap slap he threw at Yao. Low blow Shaq Low blow. Speaking of Shaq this girl has slapped him with a restraining order.

That's ATL rapper "MaryJane" and after she told him he couldn't wax that ass no more Shaq threatened to "blackball" her from the industry. Damn Shaq, so it's like that now? Click on the title post for more deets on that disaster. Anyways if anyone out there can make my wish come true or has Yao on speed dial let me know!